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Photo By  Jerry Uelsmann
 

Feel Like Swimming?

Friday July 10, 2004
 

 

1:05 a.m.
It's never easy.. today it took all that was in me and didn't  "!" on gmud all day.  (gmud=chat that R hangs out on, ! is how we let each other know we are around or to say hi etc.)  I wanted to have one day where I still didn't feel attached in some way.  It felt good and it didn't feel good at the same time.  Has this become what it boils down to?  "To ! or not to !" ??.  This is the first weekend that we don't have plans to hang out at all.  I think we need to put a little space between us currently...after all what really will we have to talk about now that we don't have sex and drugs in common?  It's all about friendship and friendship is all about communicating; something he has never really been able to do with me, or anyone that I know of.  I need space right now but I fear too much space will make it even more awkward the next time I see him.   Is it really possible to stay friends with an ex?  After all I am not friends with any of my other ex's.  Maybe in time this "friendship" will cultivate a heartbeat.  All I know is that in any relationship platonic or intimate  I cannot and will not be the only one contributing to keep a sinking boat from going under.  If it's going to sink- so be it, and this time I will be prepared and wearing a life vest. 

 

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