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Photo By  Cindy Sherman
 

ohh Am I Still Ill...

Saturday July 17, 2004

 

I overslept and missed my first appointment at the salon.  Friday night I had a migraine and the night was a blur of cool showers, ice packs, starbucks, and finally  at 4 a.m. sleep after I took a Relpax.   I would have took one earlier but I was trying to cure it with caffeine so I wouldn't have to use one of my emergency samples of Relpax I got from a nail tech at work.    I don't know what I did to my alarm.  I remember vaguely messing with it in my sleep and now the snooze doesn't work, which is why I overslept.  When I woke I was still heavily sedated by a dream I had where I was at work and my boss and I were the only ones cutting on the floor and James the assistant was drunk, (not much of a dream so far) but then started drinking the nail polish.. I remember he specifically drank a pink polish called Aphrodite's Pink New Nightie.    My boss sent him to the back room were she followed him back and proceeded to fire him.  Meanwhile 50 walk-ins came in and I began writing out their names on index cards.  I went into the back room to get my boss and tell her about the walk-ins waiting when we emerged back into the heart of the salon to find that it had transformed into a gas station and instead of 50 haircuts it was 50 people who wanted us to pump gas in their cars.   My first customer was an Mid-Eastern man who specified how particular he was about how he likes he gas to be pumped.   I woke up shortly after I accidentally splashed some gasoline on the back of him gray and black tweed pants and made me get on my hands and knees to scrub down the back of his slacks.   Dee the receptionist, was working the register and was flawlessly flipping burgers all while a cigarette butt hung out of her mouth with an inch of ash. 

My allergies have been hell for the past week or so.  Sneezing, runny nose, stuffy head, ear problems, wheezing.  The question I have been wondering is : Am I allergic to Rats?  I quite smoking and now I feel like shit.  I should be feeling healthier right? James at work said that it's common to get allergies when you quite smoking because smoking desensitizes your senses, etc.   Either way I swiped an inhaler from my dad and have been needing to use it about 2 times a day.  I also had to stop taking my anti depressants because I have heard you shouldn't mix inhalers and anti depressants.  It's been 3 days and my body is starting to go through some sort of withdrawal which symptoms include being dizzy, lightheaded, faint, face tingling,  light sensitivity, and occasionally a slight feel of electric current passing through.   I dunno but I pretty much want to cut my head off until I was informed by R then I would just be a head.  NO ESCAPE!

Oh yeah, R and I hung out tonight after work; his idea. I have just been letting things go and haven't been giving much initiative to plans for us to hang out for reasons stated in prior journals, still I find that I can't say no when he wants to hang out.  Things have been completely platonic and we have been getting along well.  However I am still stressed over the non relationship and still COE/compulsive over eating.  I just want to get back to being normal, but it's been so long since I have been there, I don't know if there is any going home or even if the shoe would still fit.  I think too much has changed, I have realized and discovered too many things about myself, often it's hard to look in the mirror, knowing.    

Sometime this week he will be taking my rats to his house for a week so that I can figure out if I am indeed allergic to them.  

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Still Ill
by The Smiths

I decree today that life
Is simply taking and not giving
England is mine - it owes me a living
But ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye
Oh, ask me why, and I'll spit in your eye
But we cannot cling to the old dreams anymore
No, we cannot cling to those dreams
Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno...
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although I ended up with sore lips
It just wasn't like the old days anymore
No, it wasn't like those days
Am I still ill ?
Oh ...
Am I still ill ?
Oh ...
Does the body rule the mind
Or does the mind rule the body ?
I dunno...
Ask me why, and I'll die
Oh, ask me why, and I'll die
And if you must, go to work - tomorrow
Well, if I were you I really wouldn't bother
For there are brighter sides to life
And I should know, because I've seen them
But not very often ...
Under the iron bridge we kissed
And although I ended up with sore lips
It just wasn't like the old days anymore
No, it wasn't like those days
Am I still ill ?
Oh ...
Oh, am I still ill ?
Oh ...