Slip Sliding Away
Monday  March 22, 2004

"...Whoah God only knows, God makes his plan
The information's unavailable to the mortal man
We're workin' our jobs, collect our pay
Believe we're gliding down the highway, when in fact we're slip sliding away"  Simon and Garfunkle
 

9:38 a.m.
I feel as though I am hitting rock bottom, reaching out for help, going to the doctor today to talk to her about my depression, looking into therapy for eating disorders, not sure if I am going to try something on line or actually find myself a live therapist to help sift through the shit that makes me want to numb myself 24/7.    The bottom line is it has to be something I can afford.  I think I will go to Borders before the doctor and see if I can't find some good books on eating disorders and recovery.

1:30 p.m. 
I had a Dr. appointment to talk about my depression and getting on an antidepressant. The nurse was really sweet and was making small talk as she took my temperature and blood pressure and that's when the crying started.  I couldn't stop the thoughts in my head.  Really sad thoughts, with me in between telling myself that I am a big baby, and to turn it off like a faucet.  I took out one of my new books and started reading which really helped quiet the voices in my head and my tears dried by the time the doctor entered, but within minutes of the conversation I began crying and continued  during the entire doctor appointment.   I told her that I couldn't control my crying outbursts (obviously) and that I have them daily, that I am depressed and anxious and also mentioned that I thought I had adult ADD.  She asked me if I have ever been in therapy and how long this has been going on.  TWENTY YEARS! It didn't really sink in until I said it just how long I have been feeling this way.  She recommended I get in touch with the county mental health department for therapy that would be something I can afford since I don't have insurance.  She prescribed me  Effexor XR.   I have to go back in a month to see how it's going with the Effexor, I already have the appointment scheduled for April 26th. 

5:53 p.m.
I have to leave for a work meeting and hair class in 15 min.  I stopped crying over 2 hours ago but the cheeks on my face still sting and my eyes are very tired and dry.  I know there will be no faking the condition I will be arriving to work in, but I will just tell everybody that I have the beginnings of a migraine and they will agree and tell me how horrible I look.  I'm hoping someone suggests I go home, because if it's brought up I will make a quick exit.  I actually do fear getting a real migraine.  It isn't  unusual after a day of emotional upheaval for me to get a migraine the next day.  I am busy tomorrow too, I can't afford to get sick.  

Oh yeah, I did end up buying some books today.  I did good for 67 bucks

I bought a book on candle making, interior design, herb gardening, wildflower gardening, a weight watchers cook book, Franz Kafka the Metamorphosis and other Stories (was really surprised to see this on clearance.) and two books on food addiction and disordered eating. 

The Meeting went well, although I did suffer from some mild paranoia and uneasiness, I was able to keep it hidden.  And nobody asked if I had been crying, which was good. 

Photo by Cindy Sherman

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