A Cutting Remark

Friday May 7, 2004


I've been away, physically, mentally and emotionally.  There was a fight at work between me and another employee, well not really a fight, but more like her yelling at me for something  that she was told I said about her.  I just stood there in disbelief because what I was hearing was a complete fabrication.    I told her that I didn't know what she was talking about but I don't think she heard a word because she was too busy laying into me.  Oh yeah I should mention that this was in front of 4 other employees and also my last client who hadn't left yet.   I left work in complete shock of what just happened and what I was being accused of..  I felt sick to my stomach and I cried on the way home.  R was at my apartment already, the one time I wished that he would have been late meeting me.  I saw his van in the parking lot as I drove around and sat in the car for about 10 minutes trying to convince myself to stop crying.  I had no control. 

I came in and snuck in the bathroom right away trying once again to calm myself down,  hoping that he might not notice I was upset.  Crying in front of someone... the ultimate humiliation.    I explained what happened at work to R.  I can't quite say why it tore me up the way it did, and I look back now and I think that I was clearly over emotional about the whole thing.  The problem is that an issue came up, I responded emotionally and irrationally which is what I was hoping my meds would also address.   I snuck away to the bathroom to get tissues and took my little red box that I keep a razor and about 15 needles in with me.  "Self -Hatred; A small red box of spit"
I picked up the razor, which I usually don't use and noticed that there were initials on the top of the razor of one of my friends from beauty school.  It was a razorblade replacement for my razor in beauty school.  I usually don't use razors.  I seem to prefer using needles that I repeatedly scratch and drag across my skin because it allows me to get out what I need to get out with minimum amounts of cuts.   So needless to say I had a shitty weekend but at least a few decent poems came out of it.  So that's okay. 

I go back to work on Tuesday, not knowing what to expect.  The girl who bitched me out is talking to me like nothing is wrong and my boss pulls me away and explains that they got to the bottom of it and who was spreading the ridiculous gossip and creating problems.   She knows that it wasn't me and it was her and that was the end of that.  Everybody go back to normal.  Yeah, right. ...

oh by the way this whole thing was about that damn contest at work, which really is like a pile of vomit spewed right on top of how giddy I have been about maybe getting to go to New York.    I am not going to really go into all the details because they are really boring and its a lot of "I heard that you said, that she said, etc."  7th grade gossip bullshit,  but its all be handled "apparently" although I haven't gotten an apology and not a single word was said to me about it again from the girl who bitched me out. 

oh but by the way. .. I officially qualified at work and sold 60 products, I just have to keep going.... I still want to go to better myself and my skill but I can't say I'm too enthusiastic about it for any other reason anymore.... Like it would be fun.   I'm just hoping that by the time this thing is over these feelings of sadness will dissipate. 

On my way home from R's Sunday night I went to the neighborhood pet store and bought Elvis some more food and picked up the cutest little baby hamster all white with a little brown face.  I wasn't planning on it but I couldn't resist and I needed to feel good.  I named her Star.  She is a bit wicked.  She stands up on her hind legs and snares and screeches.  I was right... she is gonna be a STAR.    I should have a picture of her really soon. 

Photo by Man Ray

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