Do ya feel like Swimming?.. Morphine

January 1, 2005

I have crossed over from one year to the next filled with ambivalence.  I am torn between my heart and my head.  What satisfies me one day, does not the next.  I don't know where I stand.  and as time goes by, cornerstones fall away and I stand broken and exposed.  This is the year for movement, this year will be an important one.  I will either sink or swim. 

I'd like to swim. 

It's been one day since my last binge.
It's been 22 days since I last cut.
It has been months since I had a drag of a cigarette. 

I spent the last hours of last year and the beginning of this year reading a book called A Bright Red Scream.      This is the first book I have read on the subject of self mutilation.   I started cutting when I was 17 and am now 35.  I had many years where cutting never even entered my mind, but over the last year I have found myself in such intense emotional pain that I have begun to cut again to ease the suffering. 
To be honest I never really thought it was anything out of the ordinary to cut myself.  I just knew that it was something that worked for me.  An instant relief.  I would like one day to not need the relief.  I don't know if that is possible, the hole is bottomless, the hurt is deep.  It's been with me all this time, it had just been suppressed. 

I am went back on the super greens today.  I am working up to drinking 4/32 ouncers a day.  Today I drank one, and made a second but didn't drink it in time, (I'm supposed to drink it within an hour of mixing.)  and so I threw it down the sink.  I lied and told R I drank two when he asked.  I guess I am a liar also. 

I am currently at R's, spending the weekend.  I moved all my altered art supplies to his house seeing as I am always here on the weekends and in less then a month I will be staying here for about 2 weeks while I recuperate from ankle surgery.  (I am having the metal plate and screws removed.)  I was very excited to hear from the doctor's wife who happens to get her nails done at the salon that I work in that I will be able to keep the hardware.  I told her that I wanted to use it in an altered art piece.  She thought that was pretty cool, most of the people I work with think it's a bit too morbid. 

I managed to spend a couple hours and get a couple pages done in a couple of the altered books I have going.  One book I work on specifically when I have the urge to cut due to depression or an "episode" of highly intense emotion.  It really helped today.  I found myself wanting to binge and was angry that I couldn't and so the page that I worked on created by anger for my eating disorder and its origin. 

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