Thoughts before bed
January 4, 2005

I binged today.  I hate myself.  Everybody around me was on a diet.  Including myself.  Everybody did good, I binged. I suck. I feel like everybody is so much more stronger then me.  I am so weak.

I feel like such a failure.  R tells me that I'm only a failure if I stop trying.  It makes me wonder if I try at all.  Honestly try.  I think it might kill me.  I am a brat and am used to instant gratification. The moment I feel uncomfortable I give in.  The moment I feel that heartache I fix it with something, anything, just now, now now.   I am not patient at all and I certainly am not any good at  parenting and taking care of myself.    If I treated my child how I treat myself I would be considered an abusive parent.    Whether its in cutting, or food, or drugs, or sex.  I want, I want, I want.  I feel like such a terrible person.  Tonight I sit and wonder how the hell am I going to ever pull it together?  I am 35.  I haven't yet.  That scares the shit out of me.  Then again, does anyone ever really get it together in this life? Is this life really only here to be a  learning process.  I feel like I have to fix these things in order to have a fulfilling life.  Like I can't move on with my life until these things are gone. I feel like I'm wasting my life on fixing it and not living it.  Then again the things I need to fix prevent me in a lot of ways of really living.  I just want it all to go away.  I think the safest thing for me to go is to just go to bed.

Highlight of the day was finding some music at the used CD place I frequent.  I bought Syd Barrett's The Madcap Laughs and Labradford's Mi Media Naranja.  Syd made me smile all the way home. 

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