Two Scoops #6
December 4, 2000

I am eating a bowl of cereal, Kellogg's Raisin Bran to be specific. I used to love Raisin bran as a kid, but as I grew to be a teenager I became less unconditional, less a child and more a self-servicing, prepubescent, angst teen. I became less appreciative and more skeptical of everything and everyone, and if you pissed me off I would write you off. And so this is the story of Raisin Bran and our love/hate relationship.

It all started when I figured that the world owed me, (This is always how the problem starts, Isn't it?) that included Raisin Bran! I would see the commercials and literally compare how many raisins they showed in a bowl to a bowl of Raisin Bran I was holding in my hand. It was then that I learned the heartbreak of false advertisement and felt cheated and a bit miffed, after all I should get what you pay for, dammit! I want my raisins!) So I wrote a letter of complaint, and after no response I quit eating Raisin Bran all together, and scoffed at the brazen boasts of "Two scoops" in their commercials.


Yesterday I went grocery shopping, yeah; yeah it's all about trying to eat better... SO anyway I'm walking down the aisles at a slow pace, basking at all the choices and foods I have never heard of or seen before, could have been a different country as far as I'm concerned. I'm so used to take out or delivery, or anything that isn't past its expiration date at the local convenient store. On two different occasions stock employee's who obviously noticed my disorientation captured neatly in the folds of skin creasing inquisitive in my forehead, approached me to see if I needed "Help" or possibly to see if I had a concealed weapon (hey, it's a possibility) Help, can you believe that. That's when I really knew I looked like an alien shopper, without purpose, or initiative, wandering aimlessly, captured by colors and images. Compared to the businessmen and women I was up against, I was a dead give away. Honestly it must have been office discount today; Everybody was wearing uniforms in their favorite corporate colors.

I eventually came across a big promotion area, Kix cereal 99 cents a box! 99-cent cereal, name brand cereal, for a buck! When does that ever happen? Mind you I have no idea what Kix tastes like, the only thing I know about kix is that it's "kid tested, mother approved." (If that don't tell you the power of good advertisement.) Anyway, I haven't had name brand cereal since I moved out of my parent's house back in 1990. It's one of those unhelpful things one becomes moronically stubborn with, okay mine is paying 4 bucks a pop for a box of cereal, call me crazy but I just cannot fucking do it.

SO for the past 13 years or so I have been buying my cereal at the discount grocery store that has mostly generic brands that copy every single type of cereal out there, well all the major ones. I.e. Cocoa Crispies, Honeycombs, Fruitloops, Captain Crunch, Cheerios etc. I know Generic isn't as good but at least I get what I pay for, If I'm spending $1.89 I wont complain if it tastes like a cereal that costs $1.89 if I'm spending $3.95 I better be getting some fucking raisins, ya know what I mean?

So I bought two boxes of Kix, and noticed they had Raisin Bran on the other side, I'm assuming for 99 cents as well, though there was no sign. Okay, do I want to break my Raisin Bran Ban? This was a big decision, it's been at least 13 or so years since I banned them, I made my statement, I've grown up since then, I don't even notice the Raisin Bran commercials anymore.. most of the time. What's a hungry girl to do, why couldn't they just have put as many raisins in the box as they claimed on the commercials, why does everybody have to lie all the fucking time. (Wow, past Raisin Bran angst detected at a level 7)

I took the plunge and quickly but very discreetly grabbed a box off the shelf, as if everyone else knew I was going against my very own words. What the fuck did they care about the little lost girl standing in the supermarket mesmerized by a tall display of cereal in oversized lettering and cosmetically appealing colors.

I had several second thoughts, mainly of abandoning it on a random shelf, but I was in the laundry detergent aisle, too noticeable, and rude, I thought. Besides, I do want to buy it right? I wouldn't have put it in my cart. Again, in the check out line I thought how I could just casually arrange it behind the magazine rack or something, but that would be quite obvious and I certainly wasn't going to bring mention of it to the cashier, 'ahem, I changed my mind about the raisin bran. That would be incredibly Sienfeld of me.

So tonight was the test, I opened the box, breathed in deeply, closed my eyes and began scooping it out into my bowl and when I opened my eyes, it was like the raisin God's kissed me on the forehead, Lo and Behold Raisins! Raisins! And more raisins! So after the brief encounter of bliss my pessimistic mind began with, why didn't anybody tell me Raisin Bran was back? How long have I been depriving myself of all these fucking raisons! I want to know, Why wasn't I told. The world has been harvesting a big secret against me, it sort of felt like when on the Truman show he finally finds out he lives in a pseudo soap opera world as some sort of laboratory freak.

Somehow I feel the fool, and have enclosed a question on my brother's birthday card which I am sending out tomorrow, asking politely if he was the one picking the raisins out of the Raisin Bran.