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Photo by Jerry Uelsman
Friday, December
3, 2004
My mind on self destruct, but unable to carry
through...UNABLE TO FIND A PAYOFF. My bf sits and babysits me,
because I had an honest moment earlier in the evening and told him that
I had the urge to cut. All I want to do is move as far away from
these feelings as possible and all my defense mechanisms are being held
at arms length. I am trying not to have a fit. I am trying
to stay calm, but I am shredding Kleenex in the process and this
ugliness inside won't let me close my eyes. Why am I so volatile? We talked about therapy again tonight, and my need for it. The conversation ensued when all I suggested was that my anti-depressant dosage needed to be upped. He wants to help pay for therapy and I of course don't want help. Why when I so desperately need help do I decline or turn it away?
I know he wasn't planning on staying the night,
and now he won't leave because he knows that I have that urge to cut.
This morning when I woke up I had 4 long scratches on my neck, chest
area two of which where in a big cross or x formation. I know it
looks deliberate, but honestly I don't remember doing it. This past Wednesday R slept over and around 4:00 in the morning I had a horrible nightmare. I was crying and carrying on and pounding the bed next to me. Lucky for R he was in the dining room messing around on his computer otherwise I might have really belted him one. He woke me up slowly and tried to console me. Later I fell back asleep and had another nightmare, another rape nightmare.
I convinced R to let me hit off the bowl and
within minutes my mind finds a window to crawl out of.
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