distractions for infractions It's getting harder to fill each day with distractions. I can't get far enough away from myself and my thoughts of my mother. Nor can I get far enough away from the guilt I feel that I am trying to get away from myself and my thoughts about my mother. There is a possibility that she will be going into the hospital today but I just don't have it in me to handle anything right now and I can't really call my parents up and explain either. Even if my mother does go into the hospital today there really isn't much they can do for her. All these things she is going through, the late night fevers and sweats, the weakness, the pain. It's just the next course in her illness. Now that chemo is over, really all they are planning to do is to try to make her as comfortable as possible until her body finally denies her of her next breath. For my mother this couldn't come soon enough. I can't express how difficult it has been to call my mother and listen to her talk about how she doesn't want to live anymore. It's later in the day. I haven't been mostly here all day. drinks. Gin and tonics, Mikes hard lemonade and plenty of bowls. I've avoided phones, and anything that told time. After seven I could begin to stop feeling guilty for not calling my mother because I know that after seven it's too late to call because they go to bed so early. I have plans to go over to mom's house early, that is providing she isn't in the hospital. and if I find out that they admitted her tonight and my father didn't call to tell me I am surely going to hell for being a terrible daughter and not calling. Earlier today while waiting for R in his basement I looked around for a sharp object to let go of some pain. I couldn't find anything quick enough before he got back downstairs. I hate the fact that I feel myself turning towards cutting as a way of dealing with emotions and feelings that are just too painful to deal with. Instead I let him paint me with glow in the dark paints and then we tested out his new digital camera. always another distraction, there is always another distraction waiting, if I choose. I choose, I do I choose a lot. My girlfriend Jeannette is over. She is pulling all her lip glosses out of her backpack and lining them in a row along the edge of my kitchen table. She is deciding which ones she will keep in her backpack. She decided she needs the essential four lip glosses. 1. a lip gloss that has a bit of color to it. 2. an herbal, medicated stick . 3, then you have your fruit flavored one. 4 and of course you need a glitter lip gloss.
|
|
Journal index
|