Crawling in
Today I stopped by to see mom on my way home from the chiropractor. I had promised her yesterday when I was over that I would come by after my doctor appointment and we could play a couple hands of cards. She really looks so horribly gaunt. Her arms from her elbow to her fingers are so skinny and the skin is so tight I can see every tendon, every bone, joint, and flex of every muscle just when she is holding a cup of tea. She has gotten more energy back since she has been eating better, but now is having problems with breathing and getting enough oxygen and is too winded to walk much further then just to the bathroom. This Sunday if she is up to it, I want her to come over to my apartment for part of the day, just so she can get out of the house and get a change of scenery. Around Christmas I remember her mentioning that she wanted to come see my place and visit with me here, it has been a while since she has been over, usually when I see her it's always at my parent's house. I have been overly fragile the last few days. On Sunday when R was over I had a crying spell, which made me feel very uncomfortable. I don't like anyone to see me cry, but I just haven't been able to control when it comes. I think R was a little upset that I had a problem crying in front of him, I tried to explain that I have a problem in general crying in front of anyone. I just don't like people to see me when I am that soft and vulnerable. I don't like anyone to see me when I am spinning that out of control that I can't control my emotions. I hate it, when i get that way I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear.
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photo by Clarence John Laughlin |
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