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I'm sick of holding back Friday September 3, 2004
I hate myself. I'd rather die then have to deal with what I know I need to deal with and have had to deal with for the past 23 years. I know what I am doing to myself, yet I continue to harm myself. Does it make you crazy to continue to do something that will kill you? Is that the summation of addiction? I have a wedding that I have to attend at the end of the month. I am not looking forward to it. Why? because the whole night will start over a drama of what to wear and I won't feel good or beautiful in anything I chose. I will feel uncomfortable and secretly feel shameful and paranoid about how I look. It's just about a sure bet that in this mindset I will be sitting at the table trying to hide under it and will leave early very depressed and too sober. I'm going to bed, I'm afraid I am going to die in my sleep tonight....I'm afraid that I will wake up tomorrow, what's a girl to do?
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