That's why they call me, the sullen girl...
Friday
April 1, 2005

...they don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil seas, all day and all night.. -Fiona Apple

I'm close to reaching out for help.

Consistently.. I don't follow through on things.. isn't that following through on being consistent?

I am messed up.  The eating, the drugs, the deep sleeps, and I'm still tired and I can't fake it any more.  And I don't want anybody to ask me what is wrong.  I just want to find the opening and go through the other end.  It's here somewhere...

April fools, is usually a quite enjoyable holiday for me.  I love to pull pranks but I didn't have the strength or desire even  so I gave them all a year off.  My guards down V.K.  stole the keys to my car and moved my car one lot over.  I didn't care.  I was just glad to get home.  It was raining and my fear was that I was dying and I don't know how I am going to save myself.  It just feels that way.  I know just how far I'm in for with my first panic attack after about three years.  This one lasted longer then the first one and was accompanied by dizziness and disorientation. 

There's no place like home. ... where is that for me now?  I don't feel I have a home.  I am suspended.  It feels like I'm holding my breath. 

The Depression like a heavy fog settling in.  I have been going to bed by 9 pm these days.  I can't seem to get up the energy to do anything. 

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I think the question isn't why can't I stop eating.. it's more .. why do I want to hurt myself?   Why do I think I am unworthy.. of anything, happiness, love and being loved, peace of mind, a happy ending.