Nowhere to go but down...
Tuesday
March 29, 2005

I'm glad Easter has come and gone.  I went to my brother and sister-in -laws and R went by his dad's house.  Everything went good until I found out my mother must have announced  prior to my brother and his wife that I was on a diet and so everybody at the table got a chocolate bar next to their plate and I got a purple pen.  Talk about making me feel like a fat ass leaper.   And if that wasn't bad enough my sister-in-law had to announce why I got a pen by my plate and everybody else got chocolate... um yeah I think I could figure that out.   I am proud of myself that I did mention to my mother in the car on the way home that I didn't want her telling everybody and I also asked her who else she told... my brother from the front seat shouted Larry King.  Bah. so that was my Easter. 

I have been on a bit of a downer since that happened and then on top of it I gained .8 this week.  (I've lost 14 pounds prior) It's so easy to beat myself up over it, especially when I thought I had a good week and was expecting a loss. 
Another thing that has been really effecting me has been my recent sex life or lack there of.  R does a very good job showing me he loves me.  Wakes me up with kisses every morning, kisses me throughout the day, says I love you etc.  But the thing that is killing me is he shows not one ounce of being attracted to me. Of wanting me, that and nothing going on in the bedroom only feeds into my insecurity over my body and my weight even more, which has in the past couple weeks led me participate in some old bullemic patterns.   He asks me what is wrong, because he can tell something is wrong and upsetting me but how many times can we have this conversation.  It doesn't matter how many times he tells me that it is him and his chemical imbalance or his health issues that get in the way.  I still feel Fat and Ugly and unwanted.   
In a recent talk he forbid me to cut and told me how much of a turn off it is too see the scars and cuts on my body, so now unable to cut on the outside, I verbally cut myself on the inside with self hating thoughts and negative banter that has only been making me spiral down further.  Cutting at least was a way to get it out, now I have to keep it all inside or dare to be even more hideous in his eyes. 

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I think the question isn't why can't I stop eating.. it's more .. why do I want to hurt myself?   Why do I think I am unworthy.. of anything, happiness, love and being loved, peace of mind, a happy ending.