Taking care of Business..
Saturday
March 19, 2005

"People are crazy and times are strange...I" -Bob Dylan

I am going crazy.  Today I got into another arguement with R.  Guys can be so cruel and even when its explained to them they still don't get it.   R and I have been getting into quite a few "momments" brought on by comments having to do with women and women's bodies and sex etc.  Call me crazy but even a women of satisfactory or above average self esteem would be hurt to feel as if she is being compared to other women, let alone someone who is overweight and already hates themselves and has absolutely not one shred of self esteem or worth left.  Yeah the latter is me.  I'm getting to this point where I just don't care, because if I continue to care and continue to get hurt there really won't be anything left to hang on to or for.  I'm back to crying every day, and this morning I stole a straight pin off the bulletin board at work and cut in the bathroom so that I could release some heavy emotions.. so that I could make it through the day without tears.  Cutting is a quick way to get all the pain out. It speeds up the healing process for some reason.   Instead of having a shitty day, I'll have a shitty morning and cut and salvage what's left.  There is nothing to think about then because I took care of it by cutting. 

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I think the question isn't why can't I stop eating.. it's more .. why do I want to hurt myself?   Why do I think I am unworthy.. of anything, happiness, love and being loved, peace of mind, a happy ending.