March Madness
Thursday
March 17, 2005

"People are crazy and times are strange...I" -Bob Dylan

So far March has been horrible.  I have had 4 migraines in the past couple weeks.  Today's forced me to cancel out the rest of my clients after only doing my first couple.  Part of today's migraine episode is due to a work related issue, one which I won't go into and the rest is stress that I have been having over my relationship with R and where it's going and where I want it to go.  Do I want it to go?   I think what makes it even more confusing is the fact that I don't even know if it's him or if it's me.  I suppose it's both, his stubbornness and my illogicalness and mental states.  I have been up and down like you wouldn't believe, I would have to look back at my old entries to track and find a possible pattern my ups and downs to see if things are worse now or if I am the same as I was before my surgery and before I started staying at R's.    I just feel like things are getting way out of control again.  Thoughts of cutting are starting again, constant self bashing and a heavy feeling of being unwanted and worthless.  Lately I have been feeling like there is much much more wrong with me then I thought, things being pointed out  that I don't do or don't do right.  It's really been a vicious circle.   I also have been stagnant with my art as well.  Lots of ideas but no motivation to put them into action. 

FYI  Parts of this site might begin to not function as I am working on a new site/design.

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I think the question isn't why can't I stop eating.. it's more .. why do I want to hurt myself?   Why do I think I am unworthy.. of anything, happiness, love and being loved, peace of mind, a happy ending.