Just the Facts
Saturday
March 5, 2005

"People are crazy and times are strange...I" -Bob Dylan

Fast Forward

Sunday I will go visit my mother and take her shopping.  I have been doing this every Sunday for the last couple years now.   Ahh what a bitter sweet relationship that of Mother and Daughter.. too many thorns, now I want the roses while there is still time left. 

 Monday I have a Dr. appointment with my orthopedic surgeon.  I would imagine this will be my last appointment.  It's probably a final x ray if that, and a look see.  His wife who comes into the salon took a picture of the necklace I made out of the surgical steel.  She told me that all the women at the office and her husband really got a kick out of it. 

Rewind

Ever wake up one day and realize you don't know what you been doing the last couple weeks? 

I haven't been home but a couple times a week to pick up the random piece of jewelry or make-up/hygiene product.  I also water the plants and get the mail.  It's been weeks since I spent a night in my own bed.    My cozy apartment doesn't feel right anymore and this weekend R and I moved all my art supplies and stuff into "My room."   R gave me a nice sized room to make a little art studio for me.  So here I sit.  Almost everything in it's place.  I know it will never look like this again...It's not broken in and I'm finding it so hard to work.  It feels forced.  I need to spend some time in here in order for it to start to begin to feel right.  In the meantime I received a package of supplies I needed from Sky Blue Pink.  I am excited to work with the blank tarot cards but a little intimidated.  I plan on making my own tarot deck!

 I am currently fighting hard with my eating disorders.  I found on a couple occasions this week I went back to some old bulimic tendencies.    I cut once in this past month too.  I have lost 10 pounds in a little over a month.  R and I are going through some strange times.    I haven't been happier, I haven't been more confused.  I don't feel like I can trust any of my feelings in the matter.  I feel like I'm in a haze.  I can't think straight.  I don't know what I want.  I feel my walls crumbling down.  I feel like I have been fighting for a long time.  I'm tired, but now is no time to be tired.  I have had 2 migraines in the last 3 days.  I am completely stressed.  I am living two lives, three lives.  I don't remember too many.  I feel shattered sometimes and unable to be put back together. 

Bryan Ferry take me away... ...Is it wrong???
Memory Circa 1992
One day after work Mary invited me to go over to her house after work.  We were both hairstylists I was 20 she was in her late forties.  I liked her because she could draw and was very creative, but also very crazy.  When I think back to what we did at her house, all I remember is Mary dancing around in her huge barren living room with beautiful wood floors, She put Bryan Ferry on and had the best stereo system I had ever heard.

 

puff.

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I think the question isn't why can't I stop eating.. it's more .. why do I want to hurt myself?   Why do I think I am unworthy.. of anything, happiness, love and being loved, peace of mind, a happy ending.