"Your crystal ball,.. you keep it hid."  -eels
Thursday
February 10, 2005

"his clothes is dirty but his hands  are clean.. and your the best thing that he's ever seen."   -Bob Dylan

I should have known I was skating on thin ice all day today.  I knew my period was coming and I know how emotional I get.  I also have to say that I have cried almost every other day for like the past month and I know the tide of my emotions, but tonight it came swift.  A Wrestling commercial triggered it.  You know just a commercial that reminds you that if you don't look like a model your disgusting and  unwanted.  Just a reminder of what I am, what people see and what matters.  It's hard, I want to be desirable, but I am well aware that I don't fit the criteria. 

I am questioning if maybe I have been more unstable here at R's then I am normally at my own apartment.  It will be something I will look for once I get back into my apartment and start living alone again. 
There is a certain feeling to living alone.  There is nothing quite like it.  It's the best, and the worst.  It's hard to believe that there are some people who have never lived alone in their whole life from cradle to grave.  I am glad to have had the experience.  I think I am better for it. 

I am still wondering what I am going to do with my art dilemma.  It might not seem like a big deal, but it's a lot to move.   I already talked to R about taking home the paper making equipment and maybe working on that for a bit when I get the urge at home.  I'll force myself to think of it as working for the greater good.  It will just have to suffice for a while. 

I have been continuing on with the altered books.  I needed a break so I made some stationary with my new stamps and also made quite a few bookmarks. 

And despite the constant negativity and reiteration of how I am completely unlovable.. lately it seems that when R tells me he loves me.. I actually believe him. 

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I think the question isn't why can't I stop eating.. it's more .. why do I want to hurt myself?   Why do I think I am unworthy.. of anything, happiness, love and being loved, peace of mind, a happy ending.