Faking it
February 6, 2005

"Novocain for the soul, you better give me something to fill the hole.. before I sputter out.. "  The Eels

I have one more week left.  I fear wasting it or not enjoying it.  But for the most part I have enjoyed it and I have created lots of art and grown farther and closer and closer to R then I could have imagined.  Still I fear going back to reality;  working and moving back into my apartment. I seem to have a bit of a problem.    All my art supplies are at R's house.  I love when I'm here to work on my art.  I however don't like the fact that when I'm at my apartment I can't just sit down and work on something when I want because it's all at R's house. Hmm Maybe R could let me borrow his paper making tools and I could make paper when I feel the urge.. I could see how that might work for a while.. but ultimately this is going to be a problem. 

There are other problems too, and just writing this I am trying not to cry, but I can feel it already and so I'll skirt the issue.  I want to fake it.  I don't want him to know how upset I am.  I'd rather wait till after he goes to bed and lock myself in the bathroom and cut myself open.    It's been a couple days. I started to on my thigh but something made me stop and by now I have a real craving for it.  I have felt like shit for days and have done nothing, I deserve this one.  I just need to turn off my feelings for now.  I don't want to be exposed but there is no where to hide when I am not in my own home. 

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